It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just blew my weed a kiss
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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