I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
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