hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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