I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
