Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Randomize
