Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Randomize
