we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
