Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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