I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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