I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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