Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
