Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
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