Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
