I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
im calling her cock vulture from now on
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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