we were pretty classy up until the second keg
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
