My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
