We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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