Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
Randomize
