Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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