I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
