My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
