I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
This is clearly one of those "A hole's a hole" situations
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
