Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
