I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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