I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Also my vagina isn't a crater of death where nothing comes out
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
