Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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