I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So I just went to clothing optional bar
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Randomize
