She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
