did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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