Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
