I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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