I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
