I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
