Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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