so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
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