The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
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