mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Randomize
