Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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