it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
