Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
