he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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