she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
