Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
I am midnight drunk by noon
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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