i would punch a child for taco bell
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
