I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
