Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Randomize
