why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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