Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Randomize
