sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
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