I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
So I just went to clothing optional bar
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
